Malakai and the Mirror of Truth

Excerpt

The Truth

When God gives a Gift, He can also take it away.

Malakai reread the message. He was coming completely undone. The weight of Michaela’s words had robbed him. He had been stripped of denial, and he had no place to hide. Michaela had a habit of doing that, shining her Light so brightly that all of his shadows faded and he was left there, standing naked and vulnerable staring at the hard truth before him.

And what was the truth? That Kaela had breast cancer.

∞∞∞

In the passage of time and rollercoaster of emotional intensity, Kai had completely forgotten about the night, when he had gone to visit her in May, that she took his hand and tenderly placed it on her breast. He had forgotten about his initial response, how he had bowed his head, touching his forehead with hers with the single word, “No,” escaping softly from his lips.

What happened next? Malakai could not remember. It had happened so long ago. But she had remembered. She had written about his response in a message on Dight: the app they had been using throughout their relationship to send messages to each other.

He had told her that he would break up with her. And in actuality, he had, in a way.

Memories came back to him, in a flood.

Numb, he had walked over to the door. He put his shoes on and readied to go. He took Michaela into his arms, and said goodnight before returning to the city.

“Do you have any idea what it is like for me to be so vulnerable with you” she had asked in a message the following day, “to tell you something like that only to hear you tell me that you would abandon me?” she asked.

Using emphasis, she added:

“What kind of man does that?”

“What kind of man tells his girlfriend that he is going to break up with her when she reveals her greatest fear? What kind of man does not follow up... ask her about it? Talk about it?”

‘A scared one,’ Kai replied to himself.

‘A man in denial,’ he later added.

Her text continued, using bold, “A true man does not do that.”

Michaela was right.

“Friends and kin do not do that.”

She got him there. She was right. Friends and kin did not do that either.

“They face their fears together; overcome fears together; and,  stand by each other out of love NOT out of obligation.”

Here she was with the obligation thing again. How many times in the previous three weeks had she challenged him, telling him she wanted him to act out of love, not out of obligation and a need to control.

Repeatedly Michaela had challenged Kai to See both paths: by presenting the opposites so that he could Understand that the intention beneath and behind acts changed everything because of the energy embedded in the interaction.

And here it was again, with her presenting the opposite intentions of standing by each other out of love NOT out of obligation.

∞∞∞

Kai had been doing that his whole life: giving out of obligation. From the time he was little, and his sister was born, being the older brother he was called out of his life of play into the world of responsibility; he resented having to take care of his sister when he wanted to go out to play in the fields and far away.   How many times had it happened when his mother duck called, “Quack, quack, quack,” that this little duck did not come back, but ran further away into the hills defiantly maintaining control over his own life.

But eventually, he relented. Eventually, he came back. Eventually, he begrudgingly took care of his sister until he started school.

∞∞∞

Kai went back to the message. There came the punch. Following her comment about how friends and family provide support out of love, Kaela wrote, “Unless they are caretakers who have only acted out of obligation and/or the need to control … to numb and shield feelings when things get emotional, intense or overwhelming.”

He knew Michaela was only trying to understand him. She was trying to understand why a man who loved her would tell her that he would abandon her when she revealed that she had discovered a lump in her breast. She wanted support, she needed assurance, but all he could do is run away to the hills of denial defiantly maintaining control over his own life.

She had been indirectly inquiring, could it be that he ran away from the obligation of taking care of her? Could it be that he had run away from the emotionally intense and overwhelming idea of her battling or dying from cancer? That is what she was saying; but that was not what he heard.

The story Kai had been telling himself was completely different. What he heard, what he interpreted, was that Kaela was calling him out for withdrawing from her as a coping mechanism instead of developing other healthy ways and means of dealing with his emotions.

In doing so, in that one statement, Kaela had shattered Kai’s ability to turn to numbing and shielding for relief.

She had such a distinctive way of saying things that impacted the way he felt about his drinking and other lifestyle choices.

Knowing he had self-identified as someone who burns bridges, a few months previous, Kaela had sent a text. She quoted Brené Brown’s attributing numbing and shielding of all emotions, not just the painful ones[1].

‘Is my heart really sealed by pain or fear, guilt or obligation?’ he wondered.

And yet, since May, slowly the consciousness that Michaela had awoken in Kai had fallen back to sleep. But here it was once again, months later, as he reread her innocent comment in answering her own question of how he could be presented with such information, as a lump in her breast, and never ask her about it.

Could everything that had happened in their relationship have been because he had been numbing his feelings and fears about it?

Thoughts kept rushing through his mind.

Only three weeks ago, Kai’s sister had come to him for help. Big brother willingly rescued his little sister from the calamity he had created for herself: just as he had done his whole life.

At the end of the day, Malakai knew that Michaela was right. Family supported each other in moments of crisis, disappointment and fear. That is what one would expect: them to come together over this, him to be there to support her as she faced whatever was to come. But instead he heard mother duck calling, “Quack, quack, quack,” and he was running for the hills once again.

“Because whether you can admit it or not,” her next sentence began, using italics for the next part, “the lump in my breast is at the root of every dynamic and every fear you have about me: the fear of me dying.”

The first time Kai read that, he doubled over in pain. The tears rushed out uncontrollably. He was immediately overcome with grief in the same way he had been when he first learned his brother George – then best friend Victor- had died.

A memory came to him. He remembered the night in June when Kaela had asked him to use an energetic clearing and healing technique they had learned while she was in the city visiting him: at Spring Forest Qi Gong.

∞∞∞

One Wednesday night, after their Qi Gong practice, Michaela had asked Malikai to do a healing for her.

Kaela stood before Kai.

“What do you need to be healed?” he asked.

She remained silent. The internal struggle could barely be noticed in the micro-gestures and tension.

She was doing everything she could to regulate her emotions, to maintain control. She was doing so well, Malakai hardly noticed and asked impatiently, “Well?”

She stared at him, deep into his eyes. Finally, her voice shook as she said, “The lump is growing bigger.”

Malakai fell apart. Tears came rushing down his cheeks. He could not bear the news. All this while time had passed. She had said nothing about it, and he had not asked. Hearing the news, the reality set in quick and deep.

In response, she tried to soothe him. “They say,” she started in a soft voice, “women get breast cancer when they give too much of themselves.”

In an angry voice, he commanded, “Then start taking!”

She looked at him dumbfounded.

∞∞∞

In rereading the message months later, asking him what kind of man he was, Kai wondered to himself, ‘Did I even do it? Or was I too overcoming to become centred and grounded to provide the healing?”

Suddenly, something else occurred to him. Kai was so afraid to talk to her that he denied her, over and over again.

She had challenged him: “Why do you insist on escalating the conflict: building the tension between us? Why do you avoid finding peaceful resolutions?”

“Please,” she had begged him, “Please find the courage.”

But that was the point.

Malakai could not find the courage, and he was unwilling to look for it, to ask for it, to build it.

Courage meant the annihilation of his tension forming fears and his fears

– the tension they produced –

were protecting him!

‘Protecting me from what?’ he asked himself.

‘From the pain I am experiencing right now as a result of my selfishness? My neglect? My stupidity?’ he wondered. ‘From the pain of knowing how much I have hurt her, abandoned her, added to her stress and worry?’

Kai compounded the tension.

Each time he did any of that he was increasing stress on her being, which resulted in her lump getting larger and harder. Each time he ran away in fear, avoiding her, withdrawing from her, shutting down on her, shutting her out, or standing her up: she experienced more stress, which resulted in more tension and subsequently a larger lump.

That realization hit him hard, causing him to double over in pain and regret. Tearfully he demanded of himself: ‘Why hadn’t I talked with her about it? Why didn’t I let her know how I felt?’

He should have let her in.

But instead, he was sand that dissolved at first sight of a storm.

Malakai felt like a cad.

He had withdrawn so far, so fast, closed his heart to her once again. Then he did something even worse: something he would never tell her about.

∞∞∞

It was summer now: months later and weeks since she had gone home after her most recent visit to the city.  With guilt and shame Kai had gone to Dight™ and their #gratitude and #love-letters channels, reading the messages she had written to him some time in the spring.

It was with that guilt and shame that Kai had read, once again, the message Kaela had written after his visit, when she revealed what had been previously hidden and unknown to him.

Sobs originating from deep within his being escaped.

He buried his head in his hands, tears cascading down his cheeks, remembering what he had said to her that night, at her place, before he left her there alone and afraid.

He had pulled away from her embrace out of fear and shame.

Only a few months before, at the conference, Kai had actually hoped for it to happen – for their paths to cross - and raised his hands in gratitude when their paths crossed unexpectedly. There was just something about Michaela: her smile, her laugh, her conversation, her beauty. He had been mesmerized from the onset. And Kai could not believe it when she had actually asked him to join her in a collaboration.

The energy had been so high, the whole time they talked. It was amazing.

They were so happy … until that fateful day when he withdrew from her.

Malakai knew that when he pulled away from Kaela, it hurt her. And he hated it. He hated knowing he was hurting her and disappointing her.

Why were things always so heavy with her? Why couldn’t she just have a little fun? Why couldn’t she be like the other women who simply enjoyed themselves? They were so non-plussed. Why couldn’t Kaela be more like that?

And then it hit him.

Was it because of the lump in her breast?

Or…

Maybe it was because of the sudden death of her daughter Summer?

Although Malakai had brushed these awarenesses away, into the recesses of his mind, it was probably a constant companion for her, sucking joy out of her very existence.

Kaela was probably constantly thinking about Summer while also conducting self-examinations, regularly noting how the lump was shrinking from her diligence.

Why had he not offered to perform the energy healing again?

Why had he not asked her about it?

Why had he not asked her about her daughter?

What suffering she must have experienced with him not being a refuge but a creator of storms. What suffering she must have suffered having received the idea of the Crystal Cave upon returning home after her visit with him in July, with him not following through: abandoning her two weeks later.

It must have reminded her of the first time he had abandoned her in a time of need: when she had revealed her secret fear.

Guilt, shame, regret, remorse engulfed him once more.

How could it be right for him to abandon her? How could he go flitting around - looking at other women - when she was fighting for her life. How could that be strengthening to his spirit to do that to her? He echoed her question, “What kind of man did that?”

Kaela did not want him acting out of obligation. What she needed was for Kai to find his heart, to heal his heart, so he could be there for her and with her!

But he couldn’t do that.

He wasn’t ready to do that.

Inside, he knew none of that mattered.

It wasn’t about him anymore.

It wasn’t about what he could and could not do.

It wasn’t about what he was and was not ready for.

He was flitting precious time away, acting as if time would go on forever, when in all reality his time with her was finite.

What if, when he was done his flitting, when he was ready to open his heart up to her again… what if he discovered she was already gone?

Malakai’s head fell once again. Bitter tears escaped his being.

And now it was too late. Kai had recanted his role in her life, demonstrating that the dynamic remained: him shutting down, shutting her out.

The remorse Malakai felt swallowed him whole. He entered an abyss greater than the one he had experienced before. This time he knew what he had done. This time he was completely aware. And knowing that the darkness he created, the stress he evoked for Kaela caused her lump to swell: the responsibility of all of it weighed heavily upon him, taking him down even further. In the deep canyon, he heard her voice,

“How could you do this

to a Beautiful and Beloved daughter of God?

How can you do this to your Gift from God?”

For the first time Kai understood that when God gives a Gift, He can also take it away.

Tears rushed down his face, uncontrollably. Malakai buried his face in his hands.

“Oh, God, what have I done? All she wanted was to be happy… to find joy… to be cherished… to be present… to enjoy life! Why couldn’t I just let it be? Why did I have to be so selfish? So, adamant about looking at other women?  So obstinate in refusing to release tension and to heal my heart?” The sobs deepened. “Why did I have to be so damned afraid? Why didn’t I just let her into my heart?”

I want to know, "How Does Malakai Overcome this?"

Preface

The Reckoning

Malakai is brokenhearted. He struggles with his emotions, thoughts and actions as he realizes the impact of his choices on his beloved Michaela (Kaela). He enters shame storm after shame storm, adopting a self-deprecating reality in the abyss of imperfection. He travels through the dreary landscape of: Numbing, Powerlessness, Perfectionism, Scarcity, Fear of the Dark, What People Think, Comparison, Exhaustion, Anxiety, Self-Doubt and Control. The turning point comes when Malakai recognizes something about himself. Curiosity rises as he explores his feelings and begins to understand how they influence the reality he creates through his thoughts and actions.

The Rumble

Once Malakai discovers the interconnection between his feelings, thoughts, and actions, he begins to consciously create a new reality as he comes face to face with the assumptions beneath the False Evidence Appearing Real. His preconceptions are challenged as he rumbles with the stories he makes up, discovering both the truth and what he needs to change to become wholehearted.

The Revolution

Malakai revolutionizes his life by writing a new ending based on everything he has experienced, everything he has learned, during the rumble. His story of growth and transformation occurs when he adopts a healthy lifestyle by integrating the Gifts of Imperfection[2]. Self-Love, Self-Acceptance and Worthiness results from the transformation of an Authentic existence based on Resilience, Gratitude, Intuition, Faith, Trust, Calm, Stillness and Meaningful Work. He learns to rise from his fall, to overcome his mistakes and face the hurts on his journey of wholehearted-living.

Gratitude goes out to Brené Brown who brought the processes of Rising Strong, Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection to light. Thank you for lighting the path for us, both those who are wholehearted and those on the path of becoming, that we may better know how to create lives of worthiness through Self-Love and Self-Acceptance; that we may better know how to Transmute shame, Overcome numbing, and Live Authentic, Creative, Meaningful, Joyful and Faithful Lives.

Life isn’t about hiding in shame;

life is about Daring Greatly[3] and Rising Strong[4].

I want to see this process in action!

∞∞∞